A Snowy Delema.

 NOTE: This was supposed to be published a few months ago so pretend.

So I have come to the conclusion that...SNOW SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! It's cold and wet and sometimes smells like an old woman's hair that hasn't been washed in a month or two. Now of course all old women have their reasons for keeping their hair as beautifully greasy as possible so I won't go any farther into that. Living in Minnesota can sure be a pain sometimes...mainly the winter. We haven't gotten as much snow as we did last weekend since the Halloween blizzard of '91. Can't you just imagine those poor elementary aged kids buried up to their phyco-killer masks in freezing snow? If not I will draw a picture to help:

 Yup those kids lost three fingers on each hand and Tom was buried alive and somehow survived until the spring thaw by making his frozen candy last through the winter. And I thought 21.6 inches was bad...hang on IT WAS. I was stuck inside all weekend and all there was to do was look sadly out the window as the powder consumed the earth in front of my eyes. The horrible team of the Vikings were scheduled to play on Sunday, but due to some...minor problems the game was moved to tonight and relocated to Detroit. Too bad the snow could have held off until the game and buried Bret Farve alive along with Justin Bieber. There just somethings that this world can do without and as soon as people realize that the sooner world peace can commence. But do they listen to me? NO! They think that a creating a nail polish line for an eight year old girly-boy is a better investment then... I don't know A TREATY WITH IRAQ! No one is going to care what color your nails are of if they are sparkling like the stars when they decide to invade the country and you're forced to leave your homes. It's a fact that Justin Bieber is just bringing Americas doom faster than we could have hoped for so for that I have to say: THANK YOU! For forcing us all to die a slow and painful death! I think that I hate you more than I did about an hour ago... My feet are still cold from being forced to shovel down that monstrosity out there. I could have sworn that it moved more than once when it thought my back was turned, but if it did ultimately start to rise up against me I would have been prepared with my handy-dandy... SHOVEL!

On that fateful day there were reports from all across the metro of small children being consumed by mounds of snow. But is that all that they were? Not to me. These menacing creatures are known to be aggressive but quite easily defeated. Their worst enemy...the shovel. This little devise is one of extreme terror to a snow beast. They are easily penetrated by the plastic frame and run at the sight of one being near, however there are those monsters that get a little courage and venture into the victim's home. In such a case as this they will expand and suffocate you in your own home. If you are ever found in a situation such as this there are a few options for you.

Yes this is a terrible drawing but whatever. Fire can be your first defense against these creatures when they enter your humble abode. However this fire looks very close to two chili peppers doing mambo number 5. Hot hot hot. But for those of you that are afraid of this:

Yes houses, like me, share a fear of spontaneous combustion. Now is that what your children want to wake up to on Christmas day?

Child: Mommy fireworks!...When do we open gifts?

Yup and then you have to break the news to her and all hell will break loose as she breaks down in the cold snow and curls up into a ball...whimpering. Congratulations you just broke you own child's spirit of Christmas. Then the next thing you know she will find out that Santa clause is fake...oops did I just say that? So for those pyros out there just know that all that fire gets you is a burned house and a crushed spirit of Christmas. Now if these creatures do happen to enter the vicinity of your home and there is no fire to be seen there is at least one thing all homes should have.

Yes Windex. It is often called by other names such as: The Miracle Blue, God's Mouthwash, Liquid youth, Felix Felicis...maybe not that, and to the Israelites it was called Manna...i guess you didn't know it was edible...Just kidding don't eat it or else you may end up with blue skin. But then i would know someone really reads this thing. So back to Windex. This little spray bottle may be your last resort against the horrible snow beasts.
WARNING!: Epic battle sequences may ensue resulting in you be cold and wet. May cause a burning irritation to eyes and possible melting of skin shaming you from the world of men for the rest of your life and you will be quarantined onto a small island in the Caribbean where your only friend will be a coconut named Pavlon.

Yes that IS right off the label of the bottle in my house. I drew you a picture of Pavlon:

Isn't he cute....no you're right he's not. Now there is one other defense in your home that may be the difference between life and a cold grave. Your dog. Have you ever seen snow like this?:

Pavlon won't be able to see it...and he never blinks...ever! When that wet abomination enters your home call little Buster and watch the waterfall flow. It may take a few minutes of streaming but be sure that he stays focused and aims...trust me that could cause a mess. I find that having a treat balanced on his nose is the best. The last thing you want is his bodily fluids sprung all over the house. Keep eye contact with him as he lets it all loose. If you do have to leave be sure to tell him to stay or else he might follow you and if you start to run...well your house just may be better off burned. Okay so for those of you who hate dogs, first of all Voldemort knows where you live and secondly you have one last defense against these foul cold blooded creatures...a Death Note...JK! Actually Just get any of the Disney princesses...seriously. But, you can't just put them in a room with the thing that would end in a tragedy and another disappointment to your children. No, you have to give her caffeine pills (the ones everyone knows the cheerleaders use but turn the other cheek to) and after the sedative has set in throw her in the room and get some earplugs stat! Disney characters are known to all have unbearably high pitched singing voices while sober and usually will crack your television screen at least one time while watching one of their movies...the reason? No one ever knows! Perhaps they use helium before entering the vision of the camera. However, if you are somehow able to track one of these fairy tale rejects down her, loud Justin Bieber voice will either cause the creature to cut it and run or become so agitated that it will kill itself right on the spot. Now you just have to rid your house of the howling woman singing like a banshee. Also on that note be sure all of you glass is put away in cabinets. Now you can make your way to the Black-Haired Bimbo still in the center of the room letting out her heart song and either wrap a towel over her black hole of a mouth or smack her with a frying pan right in the kisser. Then dispose of the body into your neighbors cellar then call the cops and blame the whole thing on the old woman next door...just watch out for her steak knife... And so this shall conclude this chapter of how to survive in a snow storm may you be protected in all situations thanks to my genius.