Top Ten Fears

So recently my girlfriend decided to make a list of her worst fears, and let me just say...there were a lot of them! Some of them needed explanation like wind for example. As I went further down the list they seemed to get more and more severe. The top started with a few harmless things that may take quite a bit of time before they can actually kill you, but then there were others (like terrorists) that most NORMAL people are afraid of...me included. Why tell you all of this? Well, that is pretty simple: I have decided to make my own list of my worst fears and draw a picture of what would happen if I were to come into contact with them. Now starting at the top of the list with the most harmless is...
1. Cardboard... I don't really know why but I feel like it will just pop up out of nowhere and try to eat me!...I really need to get some help soon.

 Now you can't honestly say that by looking at this you aren't terrified...if this came popping out at you while you were watching Hannah Montana I'm sure that the last thing you would do would be hand over your cereal. I would probably scream in terror and repeatedly hit it with a pillow before it ultimately surrendered and decided to be my slave for the rest of its miserable life.

2. I know that there must have been at least one time in your life when your closet door was left open and the sleeve of that one shirt that you never even wear was just showing through a crack. Suddenly this harmless object becomes something we all know is obviously impossible. Like a dragon or a scary sushi man with a knife... oh wait that's later. Or maybe it just so happens to be the Bogey Monster coming to steal your precious Teddy away from your loving grip and then RIP IT TO SHREDS!!!!!!!!!.... sure we have all been there...some of us are still at this point.

You may notice that there is a significant little yellow spot on my cow pajamas... yes that is pee...and I have absolutely nothing to say about that. Now what would a child of say the age of seven do in a situation like this. My guess is cover their entire body with sheets and use it as some sort of protective barrier against all evil ultimately almost suffocating themselves when really if a person were to walk into their room they would notice the automatically. I know that my bed doesn't constantly have a child shaped bump in it..and if it did I would probably call an exterminator.

3. When a person says the word "snake" what do most people do? The answer... pick their feet up off the ground and possibly shudder a bit. People don't like snakes...normal people anyway. There is just something not right about a creature who is slimy with no legs and has fangs its like Satan in creature form...oh yeah... When I was younger I used to dream about how snakes would crawl into my bed and attack me so but I'm almost positive it was just the bed sheets strangling me.

  (Note from the editor: He meant "burger" I believe.)

You know, snakes aren't so scary with a hamburger for a head...wait yes they are I lied. Look at it mocking us...don't you just want to step on it and do the rest of the good natured world a favor?

4. Now knives are a natural thing to be afraid of and there are multiple RATIONAL reasons why, but of course mine has to be the most IR-rational of them all. I'm not only afraid of knives I'm afraid of the people holding the knives. That is a logical reason. No, I wasn't stabbed as a young child by some creeper at daycare, I'm just afraid because if the person is like bipolar they could lash out at any moment and turn on you then what? You can't throw squirt on them because that would make them even more angry...and sticky. And you don't want that even in a perfect world. I'm sure that it would be scarier if the knife wielder was a little old woman because then you would never expect her to lash out and attack you...she might break a hip! Wow this has blown way out of proportion

See what did I tell you? And I am sure that you are not about to help this little old lady across the street because she will surely shank you once your destination is in sight. Then she will loot your pockets and probably kick you a few times...that's what I'd do.

5. Now we are starting to get down to some more all around fears. Now because clowns scare me so much I decided that I don't have the guts to draw one. The types of clowns that scare me are the ones that go to college just for that specific job. At first I felt sorry for them because they grew up in bad homes and life pretty much sucked for them then I realized that they could have gone to be a doctor or a teacher, something more productive in life than just scaring the living daylights out of me. I also hate the people who dress themselves up and cover their body in paint just to stand on a sidewalk and when someone takes a photo with them they quickly wrap their arms around them and make the person jump out of their skin. Sure it's funny when you see it on AFV but what if it happened to you? That is the exact reason that I carry a pan in my European shoulder bag when i go to the city...jk

6. Now, if you have read my Mulan post then this next one won't come as a shock to some of you. And if you haven't read it yet... do it right now...seriously. So the fact is I'm afraid of horses. I don't why, but I just am. Maybe it's because they have the nerve to be larger than me and prance around in their pens of grass so gracefully. Well, it's not my fault my sister got the "graceful genes" Horsey! At least I can walk around outside of that little fence you're stuck in! Oh, what now sucker! Yes, I have yelled that at a horse before. The real reason I think I am afraid is because I think this will happen to me.

Not my most flattering picture I realize, but think with me for a minute about how scary that experience could be. See, I told you that I wasn't crazy. Horses just seem to mock me and anger me. They also know that if I were to get anywhere near them they would take turns kicking me in the face until I was on the ground for good and then make a game out of stomping in my face repeatedly... uh it just gives me nightmares thinking about it.

7. Now as you already know I have a fear of withes...that is, I have a fear of BAD witches. Otherwise known as Death Eaters or followers of the Dark Lord himself... Voldemort. They are by far my worst fear, but now that I know how to arm myself in case I'm not holding my wand (which is highly unlikely), they have moved up into the less of a threat part of my list. There are already plenty of pictures of witches in the survival guide so I decided not to bother and drew this instead:

Sure... it had absolutely nothing to do with the topic but do me a favor and stare at it for 15 seconds and appreciate how long it took me to make this............... Okay thank you very much.

8.Now for this next one I don't think it would be smart to draw because it is a terrorist. Drawing that would just be morbid and I kinda don't really feel like being arrested at this particular time in life. Most people nowadays are afraid of terrorists. After 9/11 fear over came America and we haven't been the same since. Well, let me put this in terms you might understand. When a doctor is overlooking a baby right after it's born he is usually holding it right? What happens when he drops that child? Wow, that sounded even worse than terrorists did. Anyway, the baby will never be the same. So, in a nutshell America was dropped on their heads by the doctor know as Osama Bin Laden and we shall never be the same. Okay onto the next fear.

9. The annoying orange has been petrifying my dreams ever since I had ever seen that video. There are some internet videos that you watch and immediately start wetting yourself because you were laugh so hard you didn't even realize it until there is a huge wet spot in the office chair that your parents spent 75 dollars on...not saying that this has happened to me. Then there are some you are just bored by and some you think "Why did anyone spend the time making this?' The annoying orange however doesn't fall under either of these categories. Along with Charlie the Unicorn, The Badger Song and anything involving Chuck Norris it has been strategically placed under..."Scream in terror as your brain is melted to mush by total nonsense!" Yes i realize that it is a ridiculously long name for a title, but work with me. Whoever came up with the idea to photo shop their own face onto an orange and blow it up big enough to make their tongue look like a giant tape worm escaping a black hole of death is right up there with people that I do not want to come into contact with in my life. Honestly look at this picture and tell me that you won't have nightmares for at least a month.

Don't you just want to sink a knife into it so that we can end the suffering? Now it is the moment we have all been waiting for... The final fright!

10. Now, this may seem like I have fallen off the deep end but everyone is scared of something. My biggest fear of all is... this:

 First of all, no... this is not the Heat Miser even though is kind of scary too. This is a little thing I call Spontaneous Combustion. Yes I am afraid of randomly bursting into flames and flailing around violently until all of those I love are also on fire as well. Its a bit out there but wouldn't you be afraid of it too? Okay I'll admit that I probably could find a worse fear out there other than this one, but this is still pretty scary right?

I realize now that writing and drawing about ten different things is more difficult than I thought, but at the same time now you all know what scares the living daylights out of me so you will be sure to protect me from them...right? Well this has been enjoyable, but I have nothing more to say to you people at this moment in time... goodbye for now.