The Witch Survival Guide: A Need For Every Student Nowadays

As some of you may know...I like Harry Potter, and in Harry Potter there are witches and wizards... however these are not bad things unless you see them as that. But this is not what I am here to tell you about. What I am about to tell you may scare some of the readers, so if you happen to have a weak stomach I urge you to look away for the fear that you may upchuck all over your computer screen...and that would be disgusting.


Most of you can recall learning about the Salem Witch trials, and most of you can also probably think about how stupid you thought the people were for thinking that someone may be a witch... however although that may still ring true I am here to tell you that those people were smart in thinking through this because I have recently acquired true information that has not yet been leaked into the general public... there are witches among us once again! Yes this is true information from a ... somewhat reliable source... okay so i just decided that the girl who sits next to me in history is one. This is how I know this it true: Somehow all of my materials magically end up on the floor in front of my desk.  This is what i think happened:

                          
As you can probably see from the picture the witch thought it would be funny to float my objects so that they are hovering just off of my desk and just as I reach for them... she stops the spell and they land with a clattering smash to the ground. I hate her. After this had happened multiple times I decided to confront her:

Me: Karynn... i know you are a witch.

Karynn: Um... excuse me? What did you just...

Me: Now there is no reason to argue. Only a witch would do that and a witch would also throw a innocent person's history binder on the ground. Karynn, how does being a witch make you feel? Do you get enjoyment out of other peoples' pain?

Karynn: First of all I'm not a witch nor will I ever be a witch.

Me: Can you prove that?

Karynn: No, how am I exactly supposed to do that?

Me: If you weren't a witch you would know exactly how to do that, but since you don't know that automatically makes you a witch...you sick, sick creature.

Karynn: I'm not a witch! How many times do I need to tell you?!

Me: Denial. I think we should burn you at the stake for such treachery and then skin you for a pair of boots.

Karynn: For what I haven't even done anything?

Me: How does it feel to pry on the weak and senseless? You have killed innocent people and that has effected others.

Karynn: Oh, I've killed people now? Who have I killed exactly?

After this i was quiet for some time and couldn't think up a good answer for this question so instead i decided to draw a picture.

 Well, I don't think that this picture needs too much explanation because it kind of speaks for itself. She decided that she didn't like this picture so i drew another one to humor her:

 At this point she hit me so hard that I nearly fell out of my chair and onto the floor. Hey, I thought it was pretty funny. Finally she defiled Harry Potter once again and threw my book on the ground as if it were nothing...that book cost me 15 bucks and she just throws it on the ground as if it was some measly little baby! What a witch. I think its time we take a stand against those who think that witchcraft is the only answer. Its time to rise up to the cause and stop those who join the ranks of evil (and the dark lord, Lord Voldemort). Will you join me or die?!?!?! Now here are my safety tips in case you just so happen to cross paths with a witch:

1. To identify a witch use the following- Look at their hair it will most likely be in a tangled mess or covering the upper part of the face so that you can never see when they are about to conjure up a spell. She may be moving her arms in an awkward rhythm as if she is practicing the movements to conjure up the spells. And lastly keep a tight hold on your possessions and don't ever let them out of your sight unless you fell like picking them up off of the ground multiple times in one class period.
2. Once a witch has been identified she will not give herself up easily and may deny you the satisfaction of telling you the truth. At this point you should ask her to prove that she is not a witch. Now, all humans know how to prove that you are indeed not a witch, however all wizard or witch born people are unable to access the idea of how exactly to prove this to a muggle. However I myself am a wizard and I was able to decipher the meaning behind it, but seeing as there may be some witches reading this I am unable to release that information at this moment.
3. Wen you have finished interrogating her she may reach for her wand, and I am almost positive of the spell she would use. First it would be stupefy to petrify you into oblivion followed by the cruciatus curse and finally a slam bang finish of Avada Kedavra. (Oh, and be sure not to read these aloud while grasping your wand).
4. The best way to escape these spells is a zig-zag
5. It has been perceived that witches can melt when they are dowsed with water this is obviously a myth because it is a ridiculous Hollywood stunt that didn't even come close to the real thing. The substance that can truly kill a witch is none other than... Squirt soda pop. It is a proven fact that no one on the face of the earth can bear to even smell squirt. It is the most disgusting mixture of citrus fruits on the face of the earth. The only person known to man kind to ever had consumed an entire bottle of this liver burning substance is none other than the chosen one himself Harry Potter. Now once the liquid has been thrown at the creature you may want to get out of range, because soon boils will overtake her skin and grow larger and larger until... well I'm not about to draw a picture of that you can come up with one for that on your own. Once the witch has...gone you may begin to celebrate, for you have rid the world of some of the worst evil in the entire world.

Just a hint: be sure that the witch is a death eater before deciding to burst her into oblivion.
Just another hint: This doesn't work on wizards or annoying siblings..trust me... it doesn't.