A Snowy Delema.

 NOTE: This was supposed to be published a few months ago so pretend.

So I have come to the conclusion that...SNOW SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!! It's cold and wet and sometimes smells like an old woman's hair that hasn't been washed in a month or two. Now of course all old women have their reasons for keeping their hair as beautifully greasy as possible so I won't go any farther into that. Living in Minnesota can sure be a pain sometimes...mainly the winter. We haven't gotten as much snow as we did last weekend since the Halloween blizzard of '91. Can't you just imagine those poor elementary aged kids buried up to their phyco-killer masks in freezing snow? If not I will draw a picture to help:

 Yup those kids lost three fingers on each hand and Tom was buried alive and somehow survived until the spring thaw by making his frozen candy last through the winter. And I thought 21.6 inches was bad...hang on IT WAS. I was stuck inside all weekend and all there was to do was look sadly out the window as the powder consumed the earth in front of my eyes. The horrible team of the Vikings were scheduled to play on Sunday, but due to some...minor problems the game was moved to tonight and relocated to Detroit. Too bad the snow could have held off until the game and buried Bret Farve alive along with Justin Bieber. There just somethings that this world can do without and as soon as people realize that the sooner world peace can commence. But do they listen to me? NO! They think that a creating a nail polish line for an eight year old girly-boy is a better investment then... I don't know A TREATY WITH IRAQ! No one is going to care what color your nails are of if they are sparkling like the stars when they decide to invade the country and you're forced to leave your homes. It's a fact that Justin Bieber is just bringing Americas doom faster than we could have hoped for so for that I have to say: THANK YOU! For forcing us all to die a slow and painful death! I think that I hate you more than I did about an hour ago... My feet are still cold from being forced to shovel down that monstrosity out there. I could have sworn that it moved more than once when it thought my back was turned, but if it did ultimately start to rise up against me I would have been prepared with my handy-dandy... SHOVEL!

On that fateful day there were reports from all across the metro of small children being consumed by mounds of snow. But is that all that they were? Not to me. These menacing creatures are known to be aggressive but quite easily defeated. Their worst enemy...the shovel. This little devise is one of extreme terror to a snow beast. They are easily penetrated by the plastic frame and run at the sight of one being near, however there are those monsters that get a little courage and venture into the victim's home. In such a case as this they will expand and suffocate you in your own home. If you are ever found in a situation such as this there are a few options for you.

Yes this is a terrible drawing but whatever. Fire can be your first defense against these creatures when they enter your humble abode. However this fire looks very close to two chili peppers doing mambo number 5. Hot hot hot. But for those of you that are afraid of this:

Yes houses, like me, share a fear of spontaneous combustion. Now is that what your children want to wake up to on Christmas day?

Child: Mommy fireworks!...When do we open gifts?

Yup and then you have to break the news to her and all hell will break loose as she breaks down in the cold snow and curls up into a ball...whimpering. Congratulations you just broke you own child's spirit of Christmas. Then the next thing you know she will find out that Santa clause is fake...oops did I just say that? So for those pyros out there just know that all that fire gets you is a burned house and a crushed spirit of Christmas. Now if these creatures do happen to enter the vicinity of your home and there is no fire to be seen there is at least one thing all homes should have.

Yes Windex. It is often called by other names such as: The Miracle Blue, God's Mouthwash, Liquid youth, Felix Felicis...maybe not that, and to the Israelites it was called Manna...i guess you didn't know it was edible...Just kidding don't eat it or else you may end up with blue skin. But then i would know someone really reads this thing. So back to Windex. This little spray bottle may be your last resort against the horrible snow beasts.
WARNING!: Epic battle sequences may ensue resulting in you be cold and wet. May cause a burning irritation to eyes and possible melting of skin shaming you from the world of men for the rest of your life and you will be quarantined onto a small island in the Caribbean where your only friend will be a coconut named Pavlon.

Yes that IS right off the label of the bottle in my house. I drew you a picture of Pavlon:

Isn't he cute....no you're right he's not. Now there is one other defense in your home that may be the difference between life and a cold grave. Your dog. Have you ever seen snow like this?:

Pavlon won't be able to see it...and he never blinks...ever! When that wet abomination enters your home call little Buster and watch the waterfall flow. It may take a few minutes of streaming but be sure that he stays focused and aims...trust me that could cause a mess. I find that having a treat balanced on his nose is the best. The last thing you want is his bodily fluids sprung all over the house. Keep eye contact with him as he lets it all loose. If you do have to leave be sure to tell him to stay or else he might follow you and if you start to run...well your house just may be better off burned. Okay so for those of you who hate dogs, first of all Voldemort knows where you live and secondly you have one last defense against these foul cold blooded creatures...a Death Note...JK! Actually Just get any of the Disney princesses...seriously. But, you can't just put them in a room with the thing that would end in a tragedy and another disappointment to your children. No, you have to give her caffeine pills (the ones everyone knows the cheerleaders use but turn the other cheek to) and after the sedative has set in throw her in the room and get some earplugs stat! Disney characters are known to all have unbearably high pitched singing voices while sober and usually will crack your television screen at least one time while watching one of their movies...the reason? No one ever knows! Perhaps they use helium before entering the vision of the camera. However, if you are somehow able to track one of these fairy tale rejects down her, loud Justin Bieber voice will either cause the creature to cut it and run or become so agitated that it will kill itself right on the spot. Now you just have to rid your house of the howling woman singing like a banshee. Also on that note be sure all of you glass is put away in cabinets. Now you can make your way to the Black-Haired Bimbo still in the center of the room letting out her heart song and either wrap a towel over her black hole of a mouth or smack her with a frying pan right in the kisser. Then dispose of the body into your neighbors cellar then call the cops and blame the whole thing on the old woman next door...just watch out for her steak knife... And so this shall conclude this chapter of how to survive in a snow storm may you be protected in all situations thanks to my genius.

Top Ten Fears

So recently my girlfriend decided to make a list of her worst fears, and let me just say...there were a lot of them! Some of them needed explanation like wind for example. As I went further down the list they seemed to get more and more severe. The top started with a few harmless things that may take quite a bit of time before they can actually kill you, but then there were others (like terrorists) that most NORMAL people are afraid of...me included. Why tell you all of this? Well, that is pretty simple: I have decided to make my own list of my worst fears and draw a picture of what would happen if I were to come into contact with them. Now starting at the top of the list with the most harmless is...
1. Cardboard... I don't really know why but I feel like it will just pop up out of nowhere and try to eat me!...I really need to get some help soon.

 Now you can't honestly say that by looking at this you aren't terrified...if this came popping out at you while you were watching Hannah Montana I'm sure that the last thing you would do would be hand over your cereal. I would probably scream in terror and repeatedly hit it with a pillow before it ultimately surrendered and decided to be my slave for the rest of its miserable life.

2. I know that there must have been at least one time in your life when your closet door was left open and the sleeve of that one shirt that you never even wear was just showing through a crack. Suddenly this harmless object becomes something we all know is obviously impossible. Like a dragon or a scary sushi man with a knife... oh wait that's later. Or maybe it just so happens to be the Bogey Monster coming to steal your precious Teddy away from your loving grip and then RIP IT TO SHREDS!!!!!!!!!.... sure we have all been there...some of us are still at this point.

You may notice that there is a significant little yellow spot on my cow pajamas... yes that is pee...and I have absolutely nothing to say about that. Now what would a child of say the age of seven do in a situation like this. My guess is cover their entire body with sheets and use it as some sort of protective barrier against all evil ultimately almost suffocating themselves when really if a person were to walk into their room they would notice the automatically. I know that my bed doesn't constantly have a child shaped bump in it..and if it did I would probably call an exterminator.

3. When a person says the word "snake" what do most people do? The answer... pick their feet up off the ground and possibly shudder a bit. People don't like snakes...normal people anyway. There is just something not right about a creature who is slimy with no legs and has fangs its like Satan in creature form...oh yeah... When I was younger I used to dream about how snakes would crawl into my bed and attack me so but I'm almost positive it was just the bed sheets strangling me.

  (Note from the editor: He meant "burger" I believe.)

You know, snakes aren't so scary with a hamburger for a head...wait yes they are I lied. Look at it mocking us...don't you just want to step on it and do the rest of the good natured world a favor?

4. Now knives are a natural thing to be afraid of and there are multiple RATIONAL reasons why, but of course mine has to be the most IR-rational of them all. I'm not only afraid of knives I'm afraid of the people holding the knives. That is a logical reason. No, I wasn't stabbed as a young child by some creeper at daycare, I'm just afraid because if the person is like bipolar they could lash out at any moment and turn on you then what? You can't throw squirt on them because that would make them even more angry...and sticky. And you don't want that even in a perfect world. I'm sure that it would be scarier if the knife wielder was a little old woman because then you would never expect her to lash out and attack you...she might break a hip! Wow this has blown way out of proportion

See what did I tell you? And I am sure that you are not about to help this little old lady across the street because she will surely shank you once your destination is in sight. Then she will loot your pockets and probably kick you a few times...that's what I'd do.

5. Now we are starting to get down to some more all around fears. Now because clowns scare me so much I decided that I don't have the guts to draw one. The types of clowns that scare me are the ones that go to college just for that specific job. At first I felt sorry for them because they grew up in bad homes and life pretty much sucked for them then I realized that they could have gone to be a doctor or a teacher, something more productive in life than just scaring the living daylights out of me. I also hate the people who dress themselves up and cover their body in paint just to stand on a sidewalk and when someone takes a photo with them they quickly wrap their arms around them and make the person jump out of their skin. Sure it's funny when you see it on AFV but what if it happened to you? That is the exact reason that I carry a pan in my European shoulder bag when i go to the city...jk

6. Now, if you have read my Mulan post then this next one won't come as a shock to some of you. And if you haven't read it yet... do it right now...seriously. So the fact is I'm afraid of horses. I don't why, but I just am. Maybe it's because they have the nerve to be larger than me and prance around in their pens of grass so gracefully. Well, it's not my fault my sister got the "graceful genes" Horsey! At least I can walk around outside of that little fence you're stuck in! Oh, what now sucker! Yes, I have yelled that at a horse before. The real reason I think I am afraid is because I think this will happen to me.

Not my most flattering picture I realize, but think with me for a minute about how scary that experience could be. See, I told you that I wasn't crazy. Horses just seem to mock me and anger me. They also know that if I were to get anywhere near them they would take turns kicking me in the face until I was on the ground for good and then make a game out of stomping in my face repeatedly... uh it just gives me nightmares thinking about it.

7. Now as you already know I have a fear of withes...that is, I have a fear of BAD witches. Otherwise known as Death Eaters or followers of the Dark Lord himself... Voldemort. They are by far my worst fear, but now that I know how to arm myself in case I'm not holding my wand (which is highly unlikely), they have moved up into the less of a threat part of my list. There are already plenty of pictures of witches in the survival guide so I decided not to bother and drew this instead:

Sure... it had absolutely nothing to do with the topic but do me a favor and stare at it for 15 seconds and appreciate how long it took me to make this............... Okay thank you very much.

8.Now for this next one I don't think it would be smart to draw because it is a terrorist. Drawing that would just be morbid and I kinda don't really feel like being arrested at this particular time in life. Most people nowadays are afraid of terrorists. After 9/11 fear over came America and we haven't been the same since. Well, let me put this in terms you might understand. When a doctor is overlooking a baby right after it's born he is usually holding it right? What happens when he drops that child? Wow, that sounded even worse than terrorists did. Anyway, the baby will never be the same. So, in a nutshell America was dropped on their heads by the doctor know as Osama Bin Laden and we shall never be the same. Okay onto the next fear.

9. The annoying orange has been petrifying my dreams ever since I had ever seen that video. There are some internet videos that you watch and immediately start wetting yourself because you were laugh so hard you didn't even realize it until there is a huge wet spot in the office chair that your parents spent 75 dollars on...not saying that this has happened to me. Then there are some you are just bored by and some you think "Why did anyone spend the time making this?' The annoying orange however doesn't fall under either of these categories. Along with Charlie the Unicorn, The Badger Song and anything involving Chuck Norris it has been strategically placed under..."Scream in terror as your brain is melted to mush by total nonsense!" Yes i realize that it is a ridiculously long name for a title, but work with me. Whoever came up with the idea to photo shop their own face onto an orange and blow it up big enough to make their tongue look like a giant tape worm escaping a black hole of death is right up there with people that I do not want to come into contact with in my life. Honestly look at this picture and tell me that you won't have nightmares for at least a month.

Don't you just want to sink a knife into it so that we can end the suffering? Now it is the moment we have all been waiting for... The final fright!

10. Now, this may seem like I have fallen off the deep end but everyone is scared of something. My biggest fear of all is... this:

 First of all, no... this is not the Heat Miser even though is kind of scary too. This is a little thing I call Spontaneous Combustion. Yes I am afraid of randomly bursting into flames and flailing around violently until all of those I love are also on fire as well. Its a bit out there but wouldn't you be afraid of it too? Okay I'll admit that I probably could find a worse fear out there other than this one, but this is still pretty scary right?

I realize now that writing and drawing about ten different things is more difficult than I thought, but at the same time now you all know what scares the living daylights out of me so you will be sure to protect me from them...right? Well this has been enjoyable, but I have nothing more to say to you people at this moment in time... goodbye for now.

The Witch Survival Guide: A Need For Every Student Nowadays

As some of you may know...I like Harry Potter, and in Harry Potter there are witches and wizards... however these are not bad things unless you see them as that. But this is not what I am here to tell you about. What I am about to tell you may scare some of the readers, so if you happen to have a weak stomach I urge you to look away for the fear that you may upchuck all over your computer screen...and that would be disgusting.


Most of you can recall learning about the Salem Witch trials, and most of you can also probably think about how stupid you thought the people were for thinking that someone may be a witch... however although that may still ring true I am here to tell you that those people were smart in thinking through this because I have recently acquired true information that has not yet been leaked into the general public... there are witches among us once again! Yes this is true information from a ... somewhat reliable source... okay so i just decided that the girl who sits next to me in history is one. This is how I know this it true: Somehow all of my materials magically end up on the floor in front of my desk.  This is what i think happened:

                          
As you can probably see from the picture the witch thought it would be funny to float my objects so that they are hovering just off of my desk and just as I reach for them... she stops the spell and they land with a clattering smash to the ground. I hate her. After this had happened multiple times I decided to confront her:

Me: Karynn... i know you are a witch.

Karynn: Um... excuse me? What did you just...

Me: Now there is no reason to argue. Only a witch would do that and a witch would also throw a innocent person's history binder on the ground. Karynn, how does being a witch make you feel? Do you get enjoyment out of other peoples' pain?

Karynn: First of all I'm not a witch nor will I ever be a witch.

Me: Can you prove that?

Karynn: No, how am I exactly supposed to do that?

Me: If you weren't a witch you would know exactly how to do that, but since you don't know that automatically makes you a witch...you sick, sick creature.

Karynn: I'm not a witch! How many times do I need to tell you?!

Me: Denial. I think we should burn you at the stake for such treachery and then skin you for a pair of boots.

Karynn: For what I haven't even done anything?

Me: How does it feel to pry on the weak and senseless? You have killed innocent people and that has effected others.

Karynn: Oh, I've killed people now? Who have I killed exactly?

After this i was quiet for some time and couldn't think up a good answer for this question so instead i decided to draw a picture.

 Well, I don't think that this picture needs too much explanation because it kind of speaks for itself. She decided that she didn't like this picture so i drew another one to humor her:

 At this point she hit me so hard that I nearly fell out of my chair and onto the floor. Hey, I thought it was pretty funny. Finally she defiled Harry Potter once again and threw my book on the ground as if it were nothing...that book cost me 15 bucks and she just throws it on the ground as if it was some measly little baby! What a witch. I think its time we take a stand against those who think that witchcraft is the only answer. Its time to rise up to the cause and stop those who join the ranks of evil (and the dark lord, Lord Voldemort). Will you join me or die?!?!?! Now here are my safety tips in case you just so happen to cross paths with a witch:

1. To identify a witch use the following- Look at their hair it will most likely be in a tangled mess or covering the upper part of the face so that you can never see when they are about to conjure up a spell. She may be moving her arms in an awkward rhythm as if she is practicing the movements to conjure up the spells. And lastly keep a tight hold on your possessions and don't ever let them out of your sight unless you fell like picking them up off of the ground multiple times in one class period.
2. Once a witch has been identified she will not give herself up easily and may deny you the satisfaction of telling you the truth. At this point you should ask her to prove that she is not a witch. Now, all humans know how to prove that you are indeed not a witch, however all wizard or witch born people are unable to access the idea of how exactly to prove this to a muggle. However I myself am a wizard and I was able to decipher the meaning behind it, but seeing as there may be some witches reading this I am unable to release that information at this moment.
3. Wen you have finished interrogating her she may reach for her wand, and I am almost positive of the spell she would use. First it would be stupefy to petrify you into oblivion followed by the cruciatus curse and finally a slam bang finish of Avada Kedavra. (Oh, and be sure not to read these aloud while grasping your wand).
4. The best way to escape these spells is a zig-zag
5. It has been perceived that witches can melt when they are dowsed with water this is obviously a myth because it is a ridiculous Hollywood stunt that didn't even come close to the real thing. The substance that can truly kill a witch is none other than... Squirt soda pop. It is a proven fact that no one on the face of the earth can bear to even smell squirt. It is the most disgusting mixture of citrus fruits on the face of the earth. The only person known to man kind to ever had consumed an entire bottle of this liver burning substance is none other than the chosen one himself Harry Potter. Now once the liquid has been thrown at the creature you may want to get out of range, because soon boils will overtake her skin and grow larger and larger until... well I'm not about to draw a picture of that you can come up with one for that on your own. Once the witch has...gone you may begin to celebrate, for you have rid the world of some of the worst evil in the entire world.

Just a hint: be sure that the witch is a death eater before deciding to burst her into oblivion.
Just another hint: This doesn't work on wizards or annoying siblings..trust me... it doesn't.